Shadow

Some how tonight brought back old memories.Things that i see daily reminded me of what had happen previously that involve another person that was once part of my life. Each one of them left something for me.Memories. The warmth love that i felt when i rested my head on your shoulder. The time you was taking care of me when i was hospitalised. The time when i couldn't walk home from college because of stomach cramp.The time when we always cooked supper together. The time when you came to my rescue when my rented house was flooded within during a heavy downpour midnight. The time when you cooked and clean for me and made me gain weight.

I use to sleep with your t-shirt whenever i missed you but I've thrown away because i know i have to move on.You have stayed too long in my memories. Your perfume caught my attention at 1st and yet i'm still keeping that bottle with me. I use to smell it whenever i missed you. It reminded of you. I used to hate your beard root because it scratch me every time you tried to kissed me but somehow the thoughts brought back sweet memories when at that time i hated it. You surprised me when we had agreed not to exchange valentine's gift for that year. You were there when i was working, so that you can see me reach home safely after that. You attend to my every wimps and needs even though deep down you are super exhausted. You always let me win during our arguments no matter how unreasonable i was being. You came home early just so you can see me reach home safely. You always find a time to accompany me to shop when you know I've been staying in the house for far too long.

We had our differences and it lead to the parting. When there's no commitment involved between both parties, things are easier to be cleared. Living together and parting after that, need time to re- adjust back your lifestyle. Living together as a couple and still living together after parting is really a hard time. Things were complicated. Everything was so wrong. Though is cleared but it still leave a nightmare image. It make me having second thoughts for every decision that i make now because it left a horror image of the outcome.

I regretted some of the things that I've done. But something within me was just looking for a reason to part. The action wasn't planned but somehow it seems the most right decision at that time. Perhaps i wasn't ready to be seriously involved. To the first four, i was with you because i do loved you. To the fifth, I thought you were right for me at that moment thinking to give it a try and i tried to love you which in the end i did loved you. The reason was so wrong to start off with. I've never told you this because i felt it might hurt you. You asked me before "why do i choose to be with you?".  So now you have your answer. It was just so wrong of me.

Wise man once said, people that were hurt takes time to heal. How long? It depends on the individuals. I just got to learn to cope with my emotion and release it so that i could move on with my life again. The emotion scar as early as my first relationship was never heal as i choose to ignore it. Hiding it by starting another relationship when i was not even emotionally ready for it. Again and again till i lay out all my past relationship after him,only then did i realized my mistakes.

Could i love the same person forever? I don't know how to answer this question but i will try my level best. Anyway, it takes two hand to make a clap.

Life isn't always fun

Life isn't all about making the perfect practical choice.It should have be about trial and error of what actually makes you happy even if is just momentarily or more. 

Dream for future and work towards it but still, you got to live in the moment to feel alive. Future is not for us to see but to dream of where we want to be at. A motivation perhaps.

None of us can ever predict how long we are going to live. So why do we always put our happiness on hold all the time? Are you waiting for GOD to drop in and says " Here, i grant you your ticket to happiness".Do you always think, if i have this i will be happy. If i have that then i will definitely be happy. All this are just temporary material satisfaction. What actually makes you happy? Truly makes you happy that you will smile unknowingly by just thinking about it.

Life isn't always fun, It's how you make the best out of it.

I may sound foolish but no one can predict what holds in front of me. I may even be dead tomorrow. Who knows. Make your life a lesson that if you don't learn it, you get to repeat it again (provided you are still alive) and again till you master it.

Warning: In the event of trial and error, sometimes you will get burn. Might even leave a scar during the process or more. If you think it doesn't kill you then it will only make you smarter the next round.

Tears that was never there

Time flies. People comes and goes. There's a moment where everything and everyone seems to go against you but is already past now. The night seems calmer now. The day seems brighter too. However tough it maybe, soon it will just be memories. The world still turn as usual. Time will never stop for anyone. Life will still goes as usual for all.

The hurt that was unbearable then are part of my memory now. There's no life loss, there's no life gain, is just me and myself. It's the way of life. Life is meaningless when you don't live it. Take risk, accept failures, be proud of your achievements, last but not least be who you want to be. There's only yourself to blame who or what you choose to be. So live up your life, don't just dream. Make it happen. Never give up and never say never. Things might not be in your best interest now but it doesn't mean you are born unlucky. Luck is just part of it. Efforts put in will show you the results you wanted and yes it takes time. So a lil patience goes a long way.

Live your life to the fullest. When you look back and ask " do i have any regrets?", you better answer "NO!".

Confession

I was numb when it happened but now i'm feeling every single fear of it. I can feel myself shuddering now even though I'm not in any danger now. I feel stress and uneasy when i'm all alone. I don't like this feeling but i couldn't control my fear right now. Is it normal to be this way after what i have gone through? I don't know how to explain it, i just feel very hard to breath now but i don't know what should i do. My only outlet is to write what i'm feeling at this moment hoping it will go away once i finish writing this. The flash back of the accident, brought fear now. The stress accumulating from all that happened makes me feel unsettling. My mind is like overloading with all information that bound to happen soon which i have no control of. Can i have any control over what's the outcome? I know i can't but i couldn't stop myself from thinking and considering all possibility of the outcomes.

It saddened me to see my car ended like now, he was a joy to ride but i know i need to be realistic and i'm grateful that i survived the accident without major injury. Every time i saw him, my heartaches even more and my heart shudder more. I made a mistake to drive that way. I know it was reckless and i'm really grateful that i survived it, if is not for ford i doubt that i will be here posting this. Having said this, i know i still need to move on but being in this shaken mode i don't know what i can do to relax. It might be too much to ask as i know sometimes reality prohibit me from wanting the need of my loved one to be by my side. Logistically is really tiring but somehow i wish he was here with me to go through this. I may look tough but i know deep down i needed help now.

I hope this phase is just a short temporary phase for me to go through. It wasn't easy to go through a phase of unknown situation but somehow i managed to survived it then and i'm hoping i will survive through this one soon.To be honest, I wasn't in a good condition of mindset to drive at that time. No, it's not because of alcohol but more of seeking the adrenaline rush in a very dangerous situation. I do not dare to say this out then but somehow, i need to find another set of outlet for my cure of adrenaline rush. Yes, it's my life, it's my choice but i shouldn't be this stupid to endanger other peoples life. Somehow, I'm thankful i managed to avoid crashing into the other car in time. I feel very guilty of the possibility in crashing into the other car. But thank god, it didn't happen. I'm still beating myself over this carelessness of mine.I would really want to apologize to the other car owner for being this stupid. I'm sorry.

Coping

What are the value of a relationship? What are the value of a life? 

15 meters of jump make me realized our body are very fragile, what about our heart? Those questions of the unknown for years has been answered. It wasn't as easy as i thought it would be to hear it. It still hurts to know how fragile a relationship can be even though it has been years ago. I know years and years of my wish on my birthdays were always the same, knowing it will just goes in vane but then i was just hoping and hoping it will come true one day. This year, I gave in to asked what has always been in my mind. I got the answers. It links all those missing dots that I had. It's too much for me to handle nor to accept it.

I needed time, I chose to run away and face it later, possible to put it at the furthest back of my mind at all cost.

Knowing that I will have a month of traveling out of the country gave me breath of fresh air to temporarily forget all that. I chose to run away but I know soon it will still catch up on me. Understanding that it takes two to dance are vital for a relationship, knowing it takes two to be openly honest about everything are also vital and to accept both differences and needs with open arms are important to a healthy relationship. When one choose to shut down and just thought that giving in are the best method for a relationship to work things out are really a headshot to the relationship. Yet, the other are aggressively attacking, thinking to unlock or hammer things out to make things work.....both are very extreme form of actions and I believed many of us has been in these situation before. I could understand when one are in the situation, rational thinking are the last thing in the mind. If only they could see it before it turn sour to a point of no return. If only one of them take a forward step or a step back, things would have been different. Things would have turn out very different for us. When love has turn into hate, vengeful actions really has no boundaries. It was awful to witness all those, it was awful to accept what that has happened.

It wasn't the most pleasant time of my life, I could understand that it was hard for them to make the decision that they had make. It might be the best choice at that time. Who am I to say? Who am I to hate or question them? I could only choose to believed that they did what they think is the best for all of us. I could only choose to believed that they had tried their best. I should choose to let it rest now.

20th May 2015, the day I took the jump. The jump went wrong, I was out of breath the moment I hit the sea. My mind was blank, all I could do was just lift my hand to wave for help. Assistance came with the buoy and brought me to the ladder. There I was pacing myself slowly to climb the ladder back up. I was still blank, the only thing i know is i just needed to rest.

At last i managed to put myself on a chair to rest, i could feel my feet and hands are going numb, I lost my vision and my eyelids weigh a tonnes. At this moment i told myself, I will not be carry out at the airport or wheel out from it. I came here walking everywhere, I am going to walk back out of the airport on my own. I told myself to relax and everything is going to be alright, I just needed some moment to rest. I was very lucky to have those angels with me at Ariel's point that very day. It was a blessing that they took care of me when all of these happened.

After seems like ages, slowly I regained my vision and forced myself to move my feet and hands. Hours past, I took my 1st step to stand up. I couldn't. It felt as if my body has split to two. Perhaps I need to rest a bit more, i told myself. There i was siting down again for another hour or so. This time i take a bit of my own time to adjust and slowly pull myself up. It was awfully pain but i know i need to stand up. There i try and I'm glad i could still stand and slowly as it may seem, I pace myself to walked a bit more.

I know I did hurt myself quite bad but I didn't want to know how bad. I know it was bad when i couldn't bend and I couldn't even lift my own backpack straight up without feeling extreme compress pain on my spine. But I just don't want it to be that case. I still bring myself back walking out on my own.

A few days past, things didn't seems to be better as I hope. I finally agree to have my spine check. There it shows my L1 has collapsed more than 20%. Doctor face was priceless when he saw that x-ray and look at me asking me..."and you still able to walk in to hospital?" His face look astonished that I am super lucky to have a stable spine fracture. Now he label me as the "adventurous girl"....priceless!

2 weeks has past, I am still in my limited movement but trying to take my day as usual as possible. Extremely slow movements, this is so not me. It's difficult for me to be this slow but guess I just have to be in this moment for a few more months. Hopefully not so long. Will i still do those jumps again? Hell yeah!!! There's still a lot more of things on my bucket list to tick it off!! I'm slow now but I'll be back soon.

Relationship values has drop tremendously and life seems even more fragile now, I still chose to believe love can last forever and life should still be live to the fullest!! Call me crazy, I can't choose how people react or think, I could only choose mine. 

Death among the living

I have chosen to asked the question that has been bugging me since young regarding about my dad. Why does he chose to leave us? It was an impulse act but i have no regret on asking. I am just very nervous of his answer. All these while, i have been make know that my dad chose to leave was because of a 3rd party. Where my mom hired a private investigator to checked on him with photos to prove that he does have another women but i remembered clearly that it was not something affection. It's more like him fetching another elderly and the woman out from somewhere and helping the elderly lady out from car. It just prove that he does have a woman in someway but is it because of her that he chose to leave us and mom? I don't know. He told me he can't just explain to me within a few sentences, hence, will be meeting him up later for lunch. He said that i am mature enough to know what is the reason of his departing from our life. He said he never wanted to leave us. But yet he was never part of my growing up life. Will i be strong enough to accept his reasons of the divorce and all these? I have been living in an unknown world that love doesn't seems to be a permanent thing. I believe it should be when you found someone you love but the thoughts of it still bug the hell of me. I choose to believe love can be forever with just one but my mind always have a tonnes of reasons given what worst thing a guy can do behind me when we are apart far far away from our eyesight.

I don't like how this make me feel. I feel very depressed thinking about all these. There's no permanency about love. Everything can change because there are bound to have a lot of temptation revolve around all of us. Will we act upon it depends on the person. I am afraid to love too deep but I know I am already in it.I am afraid I could no longer breath if it ends with Him.

I hope with the understanding of what that has happened with my parents will enlighten me on this. I forgotten when was the last time I prayed that somehow my dad will come back to my mom and live happily ever after again. The years has come where i no longer pray for such because I am having doubt that true love and happily ever after doesn't really happen in reality. I am afraid I might give up altogether on love itself. Will life be meaningful again or is it just going to be a phasing towards death? Please give me the strength to overcome this. I don't want to live my life waiting for my death to come. I am afraid I might one day just pack and leave everyone and everything here. There seems no point of living for me right now.

Is death a wish i wish upon to come earlier?

Intermission

Day in day out. What is your emotional banking transaction? Do you enjoy doing the things you do more than things that are required of you? What are your daily routines? Do you wake up auto cruising your whole morning routine and taking the same route to work everyday? I realized I did auto-cruise my morning routine but lately, i realized I'm getting more absent minded when I woke up doing my daily morning routine and sometimes middle of my way to office or anywhere, I noticed myself forgetting where I was at that point of time. I thought I have missed my exit or junction. Is it norm to have such incident frequently happening?
I don't know. I'm beginning to feel restless again. And when I'm at this state of mind, I tend to do some activities to give that little bit of sparks back into my life. I was afraid of height and i will choose extreme activities to have back my emotions. I did bungee jumps and I'm not afraid of to it. Some call me extremist. At this moment, I am lost. My emotion banking have been depending on Him. My days brighten up a whole lot more by just receiving his messages. It also darken by his messages some days. Am I crazy?

At times, his words really stab me. It hurts to read, sometimes it hurts very deep but at times, i know it is just words and he is not doing what he said. Why does he have to be like this? I really don't know. When I'm emotionally steady, it does not affect me. When I'm drained out for the day, it does affect me. It affected my mood for the morning, for the day and my sleep too. I love him and I have chosen to love him without condition. Do you really know how sometimes your words really hurt me? Do you know my emotion are affected by you? I know I can't blame you for my emotion, it is supposed to be in my own control how my emotion are. I can't seem to control my emotion when it involved you. I can only control what my mind thinks. There are moments of weakness when my mind think negatively, I fell for it earlier but I know i must control what feeds my mind. I can't assume things when I did not see. I am practicing my thoughts to just think of the present. To just accept things as what you said without doubts. I believe if someone chose to lie, karma will present itself. I am not god, I am not a judge. I do not need to penalized anyone or to play investigator to proof you wrong or anyone. It's tiring and do me only harm. I can only control and select my thoughts. There is no point living with suspicion.

Is it the right choice to live? I don't know. I am still learning what is life about. I had given my life up before. It's not a proud decision that I have made. It still lingers in mind. I am not afraid of death. I can't answer why. I am still searching what is life really about. Is life just going through the momentum? What is my future? There are many who chase after wealth, power and luxuries. I am just chasing to be happy. Some days i make it, some days not. What does being happy means? I have been practicing to live simple and think simple. It was a success but only for awhile and now I am back at square one again. What else would make me happy? I feel empty, alone and lost. The only time when I feel something, is when I am sad and down.

What do I need to do to not feel empty, alone and lost? Will this be just momentarily for me? I just want to be the happy simple girl once again.