Confession

I was numb when it happened but now i'm feeling every single fear of it. I can feel myself shuddering now even though I'm not in any danger now. I feel stress and uneasy when i'm all alone. I don't like this feeling but i couldn't control my fear right now. Is it normal to be this way after what i have gone through? I don't know how to explain it, i just feel very hard to breath now but i don't know what should i do. My only outlet is to write what i'm feeling at this moment hoping it will go away once i finish writing this. The flash back of the accident, brought fear now. The stress accumulating from all that happened makes me feel unsettling. My mind is like overloading with all information that bound to happen soon which i have no control of. Can i have any control over what's the outcome? I know i can't but i couldn't stop myself from thinking and considering all possibility of the outcomes.

It saddened me to see my car ended like now, he was a joy to ride but i know i need to be realistic and i'm grateful that i survived the accident without major injury. Every time i saw him, my heartaches even more and my heart shudder more. I made a mistake to drive that way. I know it was reckless and i'm really grateful that i survived it, if is not for ford i doubt that i will be here posting this. Having said this, i know i still need to move on but being in this shaken mode i don't know what i can do to relax. It might be too much to ask as i know sometimes reality prohibit me from wanting the need of my loved one to be by my side. Logistically is really tiring but somehow i wish he was here with me to go through this. I may look tough but i know deep down i needed help now.

I hope this phase is just a short temporary phase for me to go through. It wasn't easy to go through a phase of unknown situation but somehow i managed to survived it then and i'm hoping i will survive through this one soon.To be honest, I wasn't in a good condition of mindset to drive at that time. No, it's not because of alcohol but more of seeking the adrenaline rush in a very dangerous situation. I do not dare to say this out then but somehow, i need to find another set of outlet for my cure of adrenaline rush. Yes, it's my life, it's my choice but i shouldn't be this stupid to endanger other peoples life. Somehow, I'm thankful i managed to avoid crashing into the other car in time. I feel very guilty of the possibility in crashing into the other car. But thank god, it didn't happen. I'm still beating myself over this carelessness of mine.I would really want to apologize to the other car owner for being this stupid. I'm sorry.