Coping

What are the value of a relationship? What are the value of a life? 

15 meters of jump make me realized our body are very fragile, what about our heart? Those questions of the unknown for years has been answered. It wasn't as easy as i thought it would be to hear it. It still hurts to know how fragile a relationship can be even though it has been years ago. I know years and years of my wish on my birthdays were always the same, knowing it will just goes in vane but then i was just hoping and hoping it will come true one day. This year, I gave in to asked what has always been in my mind. I got the answers. It links all those missing dots that I had. It's too much for me to handle nor to accept it.

I needed time, I chose to run away and face it later, possible to put it at the furthest back of my mind at all cost.

Knowing that I will have a month of traveling out of the country gave me breath of fresh air to temporarily forget all that. I chose to run away but I know soon it will still catch up on me. Understanding that it takes two to dance are vital for a relationship, knowing it takes two to be openly honest about everything are also vital and to accept both differences and needs with open arms are important to a healthy relationship. When one choose to shut down and just thought that giving in are the best method for a relationship to work things out are really a headshot to the relationship. Yet, the other are aggressively attacking, thinking to unlock or hammer things out to make things work.....both are very extreme form of actions and I believed many of us has been in these situation before. I could understand when one are in the situation, rational thinking are the last thing in the mind. If only they could see it before it turn sour to a point of no return. If only one of them take a forward step or a step back, things would have been different. Things would have turn out very different for us. When love has turn into hate, vengeful actions really has no boundaries. It was awful to witness all those, it was awful to accept what that has happened.

It wasn't the most pleasant time of my life, I could understand that it was hard for them to make the decision that they had make. It might be the best choice at that time. Who am I to say? Who am I to hate or question them? I could only choose to believed that they did what they think is the best for all of us. I could only choose to believed that they had tried their best. I should choose to let it rest now.

20th May 2015, the day I took the jump. The jump went wrong, I was out of breath the moment I hit the sea. My mind was blank, all I could do was just lift my hand to wave for help. Assistance came with the buoy and brought me to the ladder. There I was pacing myself slowly to climb the ladder back up. I was still blank, the only thing i know is i just needed to rest.

At last i managed to put myself on a chair to rest, i could feel my feet and hands are going numb, I lost my vision and my eyelids weigh a tonnes. At this moment i told myself, I will not be carry out at the airport or wheel out from it. I came here walking everywhere, I am going to walk back out of the airport on my own. I told myself to relax and everything is going to be alright, I just needed some moment to rest. I was very lucky to have those angels with me at Ariel's point that very day. It was a blessing that they took care of me when all of these happened.

After seems like ages, slowly I regained my vision and forced myself to move my feet and hands. Hours past, I took my 1st step to stand up. I couldn't. It felt as if my body has split to two. Perhaps I need to rest a bit more, i told myself. There i was siting down again for another hour or so. This time i take a bit of my own time to adjust and slowly pull myself up. It was awfully pain but i know i need to stand up. There i try and I'm glad i could still stand and slowly as it may seem, I pace myself to walked a bit more.

I know I did hurt myself quite bad but I didn't want to know how bad. I know it was bad when i couldn't bend and I couldn't even lift my own backpack straight up without feeling extreme compress pain on my spine. But I just don't want it to be that case. I still bring myself back walking out on my own.

A few days past, things didn't seems to be better as I hope. I finally agree to have my spine check. There it shows my L1 has collapsed more than 20%. Doctor face was priceless when he saw that x-ray and look at me asking me..."and you still able to walk in to hospital?" His face look astonished that I am super lucky to have a stable spine fracture. Now he label me as the "adventurous girl"....priceless!

2 weeks has past, I am still in my limited movement but trying to take my day as usual as possible. Extremely slow movements, this is so not me. It's difficult for me to be this slow but guess I just have to be in this moment for a few more months. Hopefully not so long. Will i still do those jumps again? Hell yeah!!! There's still a lot more of things on my bucket list to tick it off!! I'm slow now but I'll be back soon.

Relationship values has drop tremendously and life seems even more fragile now, I still chose to believe love can last forever and life should still be live to the fullest!! Call me crazy, I can't choose how people react or think, I could only choose mine.