Intermission

Day in day out. What is your emotional banking transaction? Do you enjoy doing the things you do more than things that are required of you? What are your daily routines? Do you wake up auto cruising your whole morning routine and taking the same route to work everyday? I realized I did auto-cruise my morning routine but lately, i realized I'm getting more absent minded when I woke up doing my daily morning routine and sometimes middle of my way to office or anywhere, I noticed myself forgetting where I was at that point of time. I thought I have missed my exit or junction. Is it norm to have such incident frequently happening?
I don't know. I'm beginning to feel restless again. And when I'm at this state of mind, I tend to do some activities to give that little bit of sparks back into my life. I was afraid of height and i will choose extreme activities to have back my emotions. I did bungee jumps and I'm not afraid of to it. Some call me extremist. At this moment, I am lost. My emotion banking have been depending on Him. My days brighten up a whole lot more by just receiving his messages. It also darken by his messages some days. Am I crazy?

At times, his words really stab me. It hurts to read, sometimes it hurts very deep but at times, i know it is just words and he is not doing what he said. Why does he have to be like this? I really don't know. When I'm emotionally steady, it does not affect me. When I'm drained out for the day, it does affect me. It affected my mood for the morning, for the day and my sleep too. I love him and I have chosen to love him without condition. Do you really know how sometimes your words really hurt me? Do you know my emotion are affected by you? I know I can't blame you for my emotion, it is supposed to be in my own control how my emotion are. I can't seem to control my emotion when it involved you. I can only control what my mind thinks. There are moments of weakness when my mind think negatively, I fell for it earlier but I know i must control what feeds my mind. I can't assume things when I did not see. I am practicing my thoughts to just think of the present. To just accept things as what you said without doubts. I believe if someone chose to lie, karma will present itself. I am not god, I am not a judge. I do not need to penalized anyone or to play investigator to proof you wrong or anyone. It's tiring and do me only harm. I can only control and select my thoughts. There is no point living with suspicion.

Is it the right choice to live? I don't know. I am still learning what is life about. I had given my life up before. It's not a proud decision that I have made. It still lingers in mind. I am not afraid of death. I can't answer why. I am still searching what is life really about. Is life just going through the momentum? What is my future? There are many who chase after wealth, power and luxuries. I am just chasing to be happy. Some days i make it, some days not. What does being happy means? I have been practicing to live simple and think simple. It was a success but only for awhile and now I am back at square one again. What else would make me happy? I feel empty, alone and lost. The only time when I feel something, is when I am sad and down.

What do I need to do to not feel empty, alone and lost? Will this be just momentarily for me? I just want to be the happy simple girl once again.

Choices of the mind and heart

Frustration. What to do with life when you feel stagnant and just craving for changes? I have this thoughts of capitalized on all my assets and pack my bags to travel infinitely. It has been haunting me to do it. I had this plan in year 2012 when I was frustrated with my previous employer and I make a promise of deadline by hook or by crook within that date if i have not secure any job offer, I will still tender and sort out my living by doing things that I once did and enjoyed. I made a plan and calculation that i can actually survive by just teaching swim lessons or I would just rent or sell off my assets and pack my bags. The only drawback that lingers in the back of  my mind is my mother. A friend of mine once told me that if is not because of my mother, I would have already pack all my things and get a plane ticket to anywhere but here. It is oddly true in what was mentioned. It still  lingers strongly in my mind.

Then there is Him in the picture right now. I could not bring myself leaving everything here especially when I have him in my life right now. There is no pure definition of our relationship. We are some sort like a couple but not there. I love him and I know he does too, just undefined relationship. I do not know if anyhow he decided to just let me go, at this moment of time I just want to treasure this moment without any regrets that I did not give my best. If one day it happen, I will know it is time for me to go. What he told me is true that parents will always want their children to have their own life and live it. I believe if it is what I truly desire to do my mother will give me the blessing to just live my life the way i want it. I might make the biggest mistake in my life for leaving everything behind here but it is a mistake that i need to learn from. I don't know if i ever have the courage to do it or am i just giving myself excuses to not do it. Since I have decided to choose to love Him, I will stick to my words and do my best for this love life of mine. My emotion has been a hell of roller coaster ride with him now. His words and actions did affected me in many many ways, more than i thought it could. The last time i was in this roller coaster emotion was when I'm with my 1st love. I know I can't fight who my heart choose to love.  It chose Him. The only thing I can give in is to listen to what my heart want.The feeling I know now is that i have given my heart to Him even if he choose to stab it or tear it apart into pieces, I will not back out. I only can sit here and pray that he handle it with care.

I do not know what my life will be in the near future, I choose to live at the present moment. Life and happiness should never be complicated. I can choose the things that bring me happiness and enjoy. I intend to adapt that in my everyday life. I choose to think positive and take things and people as they are. It is a commitment that i made to myself as my daily thought. Whoever that choose to hurt me or anything, I will not take revenge because I believe the world has a way of it own about this. I choose to follow who I am when I was a child, to be kind and i believe everyone has a bit of goodness no matter how terrible or evil a person has been label. I still believe it till today. Something really doesn't change. The world might change, the world might change a person thoughts and mind but it is a choice you make for yourself to change. Do not blame because of consequences or past experience that causes pain and forces you to be more self-centered. Do good to others and be good to yourself. The rest, just leave it to the world to handle itself.

I choose to be simple. Live simple, love without condition and without expecting.

Him

People thought being at my age and yet still single was always because i am choosy, picky or there is no way that I am single.Well, I am not really single perhaps you could say I am single but my heart has already been taken. How cliche of this eh? Things happened for awhile, let's say it's been since 5th October 2013. It took me by surprised how far we have come to.

Last Friday was supposed to be just lunch since he had plans for the night. It came as a surprised that he came to find me straight after his drinks with friend even though we already made plans to meet on Saturday night for movie. I realized I had doubts about his intention, if is purely because he do miss me that much or others? I don't know. I know I have a "demon" in me that doesn't trust a person fully. I need to be strong to overcome this and to understand that i have no intention to feed this demon. I believe if a person choose to lie or betray, it is their choice. Whatever outcome comes from it, it is upon themselves and not for me to play judge. I am not a saint nor am I a moral judge. I am only in control of how I react and my mind.

Since I have decided to go full ahead to love him as him, I should learn to let go and trust how this go. It might blossom or I might end up getting hurt, I don't care anymore. I just don't want to regret not giving myself 100% into this relationship with him. I only can pray and wish for the best outcome for both of us.

Every single small things that he did for me makes me love him even more everyday. His words does sting me but his actions shows otherwise. Complicated man but I still believe a man speaks louder with his actions though his words might say otherwise. I hope I am right. I won't give up on us.