Intermission

Day in day out. What is your emotional banking transaction? Do you enjoy doing the things you do more than things that are required of you? What are your daily routines? Do you wake up auto cruising your whole morning routine and taking the same route to work everyday? I realized I did auto-cruise my morning routine but lately, i realized I'm getting more absent minded when I woke up doing my daily morning routine and sometimes middle of my way to office or anywhere, I noticed myself forgetting where I was at that point of time. I thought I have missed my exit or junction. Is it norm to have such incident frequently happening?
I don't know. I'm beginning to feel restless again. And when I'm at this state of mind, I tend to do some activities to give that little bit of sparks back into my life. I was afraid of height and i will choose extreme activities to have back my emotions. I did bungee jumps and I'm not afraid of to it. Some call me extremist. At this moment, I am lost. My emotion banking have been depending on Him. My days brighten up a whole lot more by just receiving his messages. It also darken by his messages some days. Am I crazy?

At times, his words really stab me. It hurts to read, sometimes it hurts very deep but at times, i know it is just words and he is not doing what he said. Why does he have to be like this? I really don't know. When I'm emotionally steady, it does not affect me. When I'm drained out for the day, it does affect me. It affected my mood for the morning, for the day and my sleep too. I love him and I have chosen to love him without condition. Do you really know how sometimes your words really hurt me? Do you know my emotion are affected by you? I know I can't blame you for my emotion, it is supposed to be in my own control how my emotion are. I can't seem to control my emotion when it involved you. I can only control what my mind thinks. There are moments of weakness when my mind think negatively, I fell for it earlier but I know i must control what feeds my mind. I can't assume things when I did not see. I am practicing my thoughts to just think of the present. To just accept things as what you said without doubts. I believe if someone chose to lie, karma will present itself. I am not god, I am not a judge. I do not need to penalized anyone or to play investigator to proof you wrong or anyone. It's tiring and do me only harm. I can only control and select my thoughts. There is no point living with suspicion.

Is it the right choice to live? I don't know. I am still learning what is life about. I had given my life up before. It's not a proud decision that I have made. It still lingers in mind. I am not afraid of death. I can't answer why. I am still searching what is life really about. Is life just going through the momentum? What is my future? There are many who chase after wealth, power and luxuries. I am just chasing to be happy. Some days i make it, some days not. What does being happy means? I have been practicing to live simple and think simple. It was a success but only for awhile and now I am back at square one again. What else would make me happy? I feel empty, alone and lost. The only time when I feel something, is when I am sad and down.

What do I need to do to not feel empty, alone and lost? Will this be just momentarily for me? I just want to be the happy simple girl once again.