Frustration. What to do with life when you feel stagnant and just craving for changes? I have this thoughts of capitalized on all my assets and pack my bags to travel infinitely. It has been haunting me to do it. I had this plan in year 2012 when I was frustrated with my previous employer and I make a promise of deadline by hook or by crook within that date if i have not secure any job offer, I will still tender and sort out my living by doing things that I once did and enjoyed. I made a plan and calculation that i can actually survive by just teaching swim lessons or I would just rent or sell off my assets and pack my bags. The only drawback that lingers in the back of my mind is my mother. A friend of mine once told me that if is not because of my mother, I would have already pack all my things and get a plane ticket to anywhere but here. It is oddly true in what was mentioned. It still lingers strongly in my mind.
Then there is Him in the picture right now. I could not bring myself leaving everything here especially when I have him in my life right now. There is no pure definition of our relationship. We are some sort like a couple but not there. I love him and I know he does too, just undefined relationship. I do not know if anyhow he decided to just let me go, at this moment of time I just want to treasure this moment without any regrets that I did not give my best. If one day it happen, I will know it is time for me to go. What he told me is true that parents will always want their children to have their own life and live it. I believe if it is what I truly desire to do my mother will give me the blessing to just live my life the way i want it. I might make the biggest mistake in my life for leaving everything behind here but it is a mistake that i need to learn from. I don't know if i ever have the courage to do it or am i just giving myself excuses to not do it. Since I have decided to choose to love Him, I will stick to my words and do my best for this love life of mine. My emotion has been a hell of roller coaster ride with him now. His words and actions did affected me in many many ways, more than i thought it could. The last time i was in this roller coaster emotion was when I'm with my 1st love. I know I can't fight who my heart choose to love. It chose Him. The only thing I can give in is to listen to what my heart want.The feeling I know now is that i have given my heart to Him even if he choose to stab it or tear it apart into pieces, I will not back out. I only can sit here and pray that he handle it with care.
I do not know what my life will be in the near future, I choose to live at the present moment. Life and happiness should never be complicated. I can choose the things that bring me happiness and enjoy. I intend to adapt that in my everyday life. I choose to think positive and take things and people as they are. It is a commitment that i made to myself as my daily thought. Whoever that choose to hurt me or anything, I will not take revenge because I believe the world has a way of it own about this. I choose to follow who I am when I was a child, to be kind and i believe everyone has a bit of goodness no matter how terrible or evil a person has been label. I still believe it till today. Something really doesn't change. The world might change, the world might change a person thoughts and mind but it is a choice you make for yourself to change. Do not blame because of consequences or past experience that causes pain and forces you to be more self-centered. Do good to others and be good to yourself. The rest, just leave it to the world to handle itself.
I choose to be simple. Live simple, love without condition and without expecting.
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